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PRESSURE RELIEF
VALVE by Blueangel
aka Hollie
Just a little update and an extra thankyou to
my roomies from ol blue here....ya see i spent, at
last, some much needed time on our beautiful Mark Twain
Lake last night with my husband (boss) and my youngest son and
his girlfriend....we arrived around 6:30pm and as i was backing
the boat off the trailer i noticed we were the only ones at the
dock...i like it like that...its like the smart people built this
lake just for my personal use...some times i use my time there
for fun, for obtaining a "too die for tan" or to just
reflect on how our lives are moving along.....and like the water,
sometimes our lives are rocky and white capped and
sometimes....we muddle through life like the water was last
night...calm, smooth as glass and yet dark and scary at the same
time. Boss open up our 20 foot Sea
Ray called Pressure Relief Valve and we headed for open
water....there is not enough words to describe how i felt....avid
boaters as a rule...we are short on lake time due to my cancer
but tonight...armed with pain pills and fried chicken...i wanted
to pretend for just a while it was last summer or the many other
summers we have spent here and leave my fears and pain behind.
I've been confined to the house so much
these days that the wind felt so refreshing and
the first thing i noticed was i wasn't reaching for a hair holder
to keep my long hair out of my face....for in a fit of emotion i
have cut it. I realize I may loose it all and if i cut it
myself....well,,, i still feel like i have some control over what
is me. I could smell the
water....not fishy but fresh and the cold spray that was hitting
me in the face was welcomed...i knew i couldn't get in the water
for fear of infection and it called me....teased me....the lake
knows how much i love to ski and just float around until a nosy
sunfish nibbles on me and sends me giggling and screaming back in
the boat.... It was then that
i noticed my son laying on his stomach in the front of the
boat..leaning over and watching the water rush past him...I sat
next to him and as if I could read his mind....I told him i'll be
ok son, ol mom is tough you know that. He just nodded and i
saw tears in his eyes....so many that the wind couldn't keep them
dried up...Now this is a 22 year old, my proud marine and i felt
so sad for him....as much as i deal with pills, pain and goals
everyday...i have forgotten that inside that 6 ft frame is still
my little boy, the baby of the family and he was hurting...He
thinks his mommy is going away....I tried to make light of the
moment and reassure him so i asked if he had cut any deals with
God for me....he again just nodded....i rubbed his back and said
good...but remember the only two things in life that ya can count
on is stealing bases and kisses...deals usually fall on deaf
ears....ya have to want something so bad that it consumes your
daily life....make sure the deals you make today are the ones you
will honor tomorrow...and again he nodded...we didn't have to
speak ...we both understood...my baby was a man and he was trying
to fight his ability to know he still needs his mom and yet try
to let on that he was as tough as she. Boss slowed down and we headed to a cove....our boat
runs so smooth you can hardly hear the engine. The inlet turned
to a bottle neck and he backed the boat in so we could face the
sunset. Sunset has always been my favorite time on the
lake....all the tourist have gone back to their homes and i swear
when its quite and i walk the beach area i can hear the ghostly
sounds of water splashing, mothers scolding for going out to far
and the smell of lingering suntan oil. But a cove is
different...your all alone. The water there has no life,
it doesn't move. The birds and the night bugs start to sing
you a bedtime song and the shadows fall down and hold you so
still in the water that we never have to use an anchor. We don't
move.....we just exist with nature and have always felt like we
should of asked permission before we invade their time and space.
It was then that the sun was ending her
day....Her colors last night, always more vivid near the water,
were falling. Orange, yellow and hues of blue appeared to melt
into the darkness of the lake water. CV said ain't that great
mom! You gonna let us stay out here once this summer...just mandy
and me? ...but i didn't answer him right away.....i wanted to
freeze that moment...wanted to hold onto it and bury it deep in
my heart....wanted to steal that quite moment like bases and
kisses....it was the first time sense all this mess has happened
to me that i felt close to God....i almost said out
loud....yep..i don't need lumber and glass and perfect songs to
make me feel like I'm close to God...just this...just this
personnel time on my lake. In fact I think its somewhat
better.....and I guess the look on my face told CV what I was
thinking... Boss came and sat beside
me and with out exchanging words we shared the same warmth. Not
from the heat of the evening but from knowing that together we'd
make it through this. Pretty Anita it honey he said.....my josh,
he said, we sure have seen a lot of sunsets....then he hugged me
and said, and we're gone see more....I have to believe that..
i yelled at cv...now digging in the
fried chicken, remember when you said you were making deals....?
and he said yea.....well, make one more for me....tell yourself
that no matter where you are...who your with....or what is going
on in your life that ya stop and breath in a beautiful
sunset...its like a promise son.....the same sun yak say goodbye
to tonight will again raise on another of Gods' days the next
morning.....no matter what goes on...you can count on that..just
as you can count on Him to give ya all the sunsets and days that
you need....never give up on what you want.....I may not be here
to push you or guide you but the sunsets will...see them and
remember me and this quite moment stolen from time on the lake.
We headed back to the dock and as we cruised past
the beach area I recalled all the times spent there, all the
fun, the people we have met and noticed that a towel was left
there....just one towel. I felt lonely and a bit chilled as the
dew fell....boss noticed and said, better get you home...don't
want to wear yourself out and then while standing, begging the
last of the evening breeze to linger he kissed me under a pending
night sky that just a few moments ago held a rainbow of
colors.
